I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Happy birthday to all the women
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.