I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
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3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.