I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough