Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

lmao

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

every. time.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away