I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I saw this ending much differently.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Sing it!
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
first you must answer his riddles
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.