I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
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new wife guy just dropped
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I’m going to need a moment here.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.