I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
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If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
i made a craigslist ad !
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly