I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby: