I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
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Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years