@ilovepie84

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

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@TheAlexNevil

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

@inigoomontoya

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

@fabulessica

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

@Shariv67

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

@TheTweetOfGod

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

@birbigs

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

@CarpentersCrack

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.