Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note