I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
water it, i dare you
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.