I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.


I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people


My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.


The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.


Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.


This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics


Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.


I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”


I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.