@ilovepie84

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

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@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

@CraigChamberlin

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

@Marlebean

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

@JackMackenroth

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

@Bob_Janke

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

@ThisOneSayz

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

@CourtneyBale

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.