I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
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Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
accurate
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.