I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
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ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I am HOWLING at this
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.