I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
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Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?