@heidi420x

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

@Donna_McCoy

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

@SteveDutzy

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

@thatdentaldude

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

@lincnotfound

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

@Marlebean

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

@thetobbie

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

@Tenac1ousGrace

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

@ristolable

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

@robdelaney

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper