I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Taliband
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*