I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
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kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.