I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble