I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
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Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta