I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
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What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man