I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
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9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
This could’ve been an email.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies