Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”