I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.