I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
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I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny