I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?