@causticbob

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

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@T_N_Crumpets

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

@RodLacroix

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

@RodLacroix

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

@TuffyNyC

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

@AudreyPorne

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

@pauleggleston

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

@sofarrsogud

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@serialmatrix

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?