I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

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Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive


I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”


Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.


It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.


me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*


‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’


Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

Good Morning Honey.


If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?