I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Good boy 😂😂
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks