I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Love this guy
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.