I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
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Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.