I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying