I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My dog learned how to text
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.