I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.