Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
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I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.