I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

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Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair


I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”


I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.


Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.


I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.


Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets


I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.


If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…


Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail


Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.