@JasonNotEvil

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

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@MumInBits

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

@ShotOfBull

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

@WalkingOutside

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

@Social_Mime

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

@panmidwest

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

@Brianhopecomedy

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

@TeeJayRush

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

@FilmsWeWant

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

@kamtweeting

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.