I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

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[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel


Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?


Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”


Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.


Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine


i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me


There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.


The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?


I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.