I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
This guy gets it.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.