@mochanya

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

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@notmythirdrodeo

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

@MelvinofYork

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

@noog

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

@BennyBWong

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

@Book_Krazy

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

@conor_tripler

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

@mrdaveturner

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

@phxguy88

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

@CorkyCrashed

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.