I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
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Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
crochet youtube is brutal
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
THIS HEADLINE
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet