I put tater tots on my breakfast sandwich. I know, I know. I’ll be signing autographs later today.
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
WTF
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I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.