I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
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Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*