I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm