I put the p in pants.
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
How dramatic are you?
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?