I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!