I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
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I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Love it! 👍😂
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks