I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Come back with a warrant
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that