@Cheeseboy22

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

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@MommaUnfiltered

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

@timdonakowski

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

@thagr8short1

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

@bdbdleeroybrown

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

@StarWarsProblms

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

@Kyle_Lippert

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

@tigersgoroooar

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

@Marlebean

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.