I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

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My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.


Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.


I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’


Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.


*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*


They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.


just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”


I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.