*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
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I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Trumpy Cat
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one