I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Sorry. Not sorry