I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…