I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
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I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Life with a cat in one tweet
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
bury ourselves
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Kids: Stay in school.
