I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?