@clemdytan My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
@robyn_vo I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
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@clemdytan 
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
@TheAlexNevil Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
@david8hughes [first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
@TheAlexNevil Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
@Smooheed …anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
@ddsmidt Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
@thepunningman Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
@praisecheese This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
@Tommytoughstuff “Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]