I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.