I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
(Jupiter –
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I’m good, thanks.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?