I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
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Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
What the hell happened here.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.