@visionbored2

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

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@jwoodham

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

@PinkCamoTO

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

@TragicAllyHere

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

@joejwest

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@vanderheydensax

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

@sarcasticmommy4

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

@sacha_is_good

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

@dreamthievin

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

@Gre_Gone

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.