I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.