I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.