Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!