I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
You Might Also Like
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Here’s a meme
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*